1. avatar pauldoherty
    Sorry for spaming the airwaves,but I havent stopped laughing at this all day.....


    [color=red:b8a92577c1][i:b8a92577c1]
    Making love to a beautiful woman is a bit like....

    MAKING COFFEE

    Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got
    to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and
    firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put
    in the milk.

    LAYING A CARPET

    Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You
    check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over
    her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

    HANGING WALLPAPER

    Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful
    woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover
    her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your
    pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

    PUTTING UP A TENT

    Putting up a tent, Paul, is... very much like making love to a Beautiful
    woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the
    old bag.

    WASHING A CAR

    Washing a car, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
    You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give
    every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet
    sponge.

    ANSWERING THE PHONE

    Answering the phone, Paul, is... a little like making love to a beautiful
    woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear,
    speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your
    name.

    BEING IN THERAPY

    And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
    You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions,
    probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

    BEING IN A CRASH

    Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
    carriage-way, Paul, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
    First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
    rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as
    possible.

    GOING FISHING

    Of course, Paul. As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know,
    I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a
    beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull
    back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up
    whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that
    there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is
    usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait,
    and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.[/i:b8a92577c1][/color:b8a92577c1]
  2. avatar rentaghost
    [img:bad55230ab]http://www.theomcgroup.com/swiss%20tony%20copy.jpg[/img:bad55230ab]

    Paul Doherty, yesterday
  3. avatar pauldoherty
    No thats my da :lol: we just wear the same suit...he taught me well

    [img:c9a3046c3b]http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h41/dohertypg/006.jpg[/img:c9a3046c3b]
  4. avatar Chi-Lite
    There's Sonny Corleone in the background
  5. avatar pauldoherty
    Marty seeing you that clean is gonna bring a tear to your ma's eye when thats aired on joe UTV :lol: :lol:
  6. avatar rentaghost
    [quote:d9a682ad04="Chi-Lite"]There's Sonny Corleone in the background[/quote:d9a682ad04]

    But your da looks nothing like Marlon Brando
  7. avatar pauldoherty
    He looks more like Marlon from Emmerdale...not that I watch it like... :lol:
  8. avatar zuma
    I'm feeling tragic like I'm marty malone...
  9. avatar Chi-Lite
    ...just you shut your mouth
  10. avatar The Fires of Hell
    Let's cut the crap, shall we?
  11. avatar Chi-Lite
    aye.
  12. avatar Captain Yesterday
    Here's a couple more from Swiss Toni:

    [i:224cbf6a02]Checking a second hand car[/i:224cbf6a02] - checking the details of a second-hand car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give her a good spraying?

    [i:224cbf6a02]Buying jewellery[/i:224cbf6a02] - buying jewellery for a beautiful woman is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you check the size of her ring to make sure it will fit. Then you end up giving her a pearl necklace.
  13. avatar pauldoherty
    [quote:6db799b191="The Fires of Hell"]Let's cut the crap, shall we?[/quote:6db799b191]
    still at it then?